I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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