just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
