I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
