8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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