I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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