you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
