I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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