i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
