hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
