Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
