I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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