I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
