I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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