I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
