tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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