Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's blow job season.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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