Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
