3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
