You can't special order awesome
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
