I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
