Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
