Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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