I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
