I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
