im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
