I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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