Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
