i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
