I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
