youre lurking in front of me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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