Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
