please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
