I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
