why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
