A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
