why didn't you poke me back
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
