apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
