I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
