does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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