HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
