at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
