I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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