You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
