I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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