Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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