The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
