I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
