John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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