I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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