come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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