How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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