If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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